I figured out that I’m very good at cramming responsibly these past few days. I’m becoming more self-aware now of my limits, and I’m very thankful because this is always a good thing. So, why am I here? As usual, I don’t have an agenda for putting up many blog entries. Notice that most of my entries just turn out very messy and unstructured. But, anyway, I think I like it better this way, because it is reflective of my personality – – – how random, and haha, completely crazy I am. But, believe me, it is just my thoughts that are scattered. The things I own are decently organized. I keep records, I have a journal (although it takes so long for me to update it) , I put labels for a lot of my things, and also, most importantly, I rarely ever lose things. I lose things usually when my brain is at it peak of being squeezed too much. And I hate seeing mess, that’s why my destressing technique is to organize the things around me, and clean my space. It makes me happy when things around me are organized. It gives me the perception that my life is in order, still, and there’s still hope in everything although I feel such a mess, in reality. I want to pick myself together, piece by piece, and I want it ASAP haha. Because, it’s already hellweek. And I’m still stuck, and unmotivated, for some reason. My brain is just full of very, very trivial things, and it just don’t want to stop thinking about those. It seems like everyday, I just keep on adding new unnecessary information in my brain that I find myself being fixated to. I find it weird that I’m dealing with this issue at this important part of the semester.
Anywayyyy, my purpose. Are you noticing a pattern? I only post here when I’m sad or angry or excited or lonely. I can’t understand why I can’t write when I’m happy. Some people can, and I envy that so much. Forgive me for not blogging often. I take it as somewhat of a good sign, because that would mean that I’m happy, most days, right? I admit that I’m happy, in most days. I’m a very optimistic person, I can’ t help it, but the other reason why I’m not writing anymore is because I’m so caught up with university, volunteer work, organization work, and relationships. I’m so caught up with these things because they also make me happy. They put a lot of sense into my life. I hope that I can share why these things make me happy someday. No, I have to make it happen, and I have to be specific to do that. According to the motivation theory, the likelihood of doing a certain thing is higher when you make your goals more specific. So, I’m going to set up specific goals for myself to finally publish a myriad of happy entries.
I’m obviously not happy today, though. But, I’m not sad either. I just want to put here that I miss having slow, meaningful conversations. These days are just too fast for me. So many things keep happening in a snap. So many small talks. I just want to really talk with people, so much. I miss the intimacy of quiet, unrushed moments when the only sounds that we hear are coming from all the stories that we share. I miss all the tears, from happiness, or from despair, or frustration, or anger. I miss talking. I miss crying so much. I can’t cry these days because I have to be strong, since it’s hell week and there’s no time to be emotional.
If I cry, I lose, because that’s what always happen. I’ll keep fighting and I am keeping a promise to myself that I would not ever cry, again no matter what happens. Not when the semester has not yet ended. I’m going to keep a hold of myself. Or perhaps I miss the warmth of inom haha. I always tell myself that I won’t ever drink again but I keep doing it anyway, because things just keep happening.
By the way, I’m OK now. My last entry has been so bitter, but now, I’m OK, truly. Bitter feelings, to me, are supposed to be fleeting only. I should not allow it to change my character. I’ve learned, and that’s what matters to me. But learning doesn’t guarantee that we will not make the same mistakes again, right? I wrote this on our organization’s logbook. See, I’m all over the place. I’m a person who has a lot of inner banter inside, so I feel like writing, I write. Anywhere. Anytime. If I hold it back, I’ll explode. I’m saying that there’s always that possibiliy that I’ll make the same mistakes again, because, I know myself. I’m not very careful. I always see the beauty and everything, no matter how shitty people and things get. I always believe that people/things can’t really get this bad. But, I am always wrong. Also, however, I keep believing anyway maybe because this idealistic, starry-eyed creature in me still have faith in love and humanity. This consequently makes me very vulnerable to deception. You know, I feel like the universe is punishing me for being very naive, but I am too rebellious to actually learn. I am still very confused.
In Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory, I’m still in the struggle of identity vs. role confusion (wow, I can’t believe that I’m actually dragging this into my drama), partly because I’m 19 yrs. old, but mainly because I just feel that I still don’t know what else I really want in life. I want to be a teacher, that’s for sure, but what else? What plans should I make? What paths should I am to take? How many are there? You see, I’d like to have a life that makes sense that’s why I can’t let a day pass without making or doing something important to myself and to the people around me. However, I feel like I’m doing myself a great disservice by not putting my all into everything I do. I feel like I’m easily exhausted when I have given so much into one thing that another thing gets left out. I don’t want that. Am I overthinking way too much on things haha? I think I am. You can disagree on a lot of points here. I’m undecided about most things.
So, long entry short, I am missing intimacy in real conversations. I understand that I can’t get this now given that my head is full and buzzing with requirements and I’m just longing for a long, carefree sleep (btw, I think I have insomnia). I’m slowly fulfilling this need through random chats and texts to the people I care about, and somehow, they make me feel better. Another important point that I want to reiterate: I’ m OK. slightsmile emoticon I don’t hate myself. I am back to my happy, excited and hopeful me. What happened is just an important phase that we all have to get through. If you’ve read up to here, I want to let you know that you are loved, by many people, however, ultimately, self-love is important so learn to appreciate yourself better each day by not beating yourself too much, or by planting insecurities in your heart by comparing yourself to other people. I’m saying this because I realized that many people who are close to me are struggling with the same battles. We are always struggling with ourselves, right? Know that it’s OK and things would turn out better, always.