To Teacher Adora Balza

One of the professors who has inspired me deeply in high school, and has been inspiring me up to this day because of her wise, compassionate and down-to-earth character, just passed away. It was very, very heartbreaking. Ever since I graduated from high school, I’ve always kept in my heart that I’ll run back to her. I’ve promised myself that after I finish college, I’ll search for her to thank her, tell her stories about how I grew throughout the years, and how she’s one of the people who I really look up, how her stories and teachings mean so much to me that many of those I carry and share up until now. I also wanted to show her how much I’ve changed through the years — how the shy, timid girl that she remembers in 2012 has now been really trying to get out of her shell by throwing herself in many experiences that she would never thought the 14-yr old me would do. I wanted to make her proud, that I’ve reach this far, and am continuing to go beyond horizons, with her many lessons on life and growth slung upon my shoulders. More than this, I wanted to just see her and check up on her, to know what she has been doing in the past 4 years. I was always so sure that the next time we would meet, she would shower me her tales and anecdotes from the past years. I was already looking forward to it. I thought, “One more year. One more year, and I’ll see my childhood heroes once again.” Just one more year, and I would see her kind and sweet wrinkled eyes once again. One more year, and her calming voice would place me back in the right position, once again, just in case I have gone astray or indecisive by the time that we see each other again. One more year, and I would hear more about her life and journey, once again, how that journey meant to her and how she have changed with those experiences. But heaven, it seems, really has its own ways.

Heaven, with all its beauty and grandeur, has claimed back one of its angels. Most of the places that she have touched, in a natural response, cried a river, for a very, very long time. As much as it hurts to know that she is really gone, I would still always keep it in me that we would still have the chance to share stories again some day. I knew that I would hear her voice again. I knew that I would still see her kind smile. I also knew that she would be with us always, her students, family, and colleagues. She would always be there to check if we’re making the right choices, if what we choose is good, and kind. She would want to make sure that we’re choosing love, above anything else.

Prof. Adora Balza, I’m very sure that heaven adores you as much as we do. You have been a great teacher for everyone of us, and for me, you’re one of the best. I promise that I will continue to make you proud. I would always think of you when I think that I’m going astray, because I knew that thinking of you would help me stand firm on my ground, and realize my true aims in life. Rest in peace, teacher. I believe that this letter will reach you. I hope that this explains how much you mean to me. Thank you. I love you.

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On Saving the Little Things

I found it both funny and disappointing at the same time, how I wrote short pieces in the past, some questions, or some phrases that stroke a chord, that I never had the chance to go back to once again, to amplify and express how those flakes of thought meant to me during different points in time. It’s funny how this just confirmed how strikingly thoughtless, maybe, I have been becoming. It’s thoughtless in the sense that important experiences lay lesser meaning each day because of the apparent deprivation of constant reflection, an activity renowned for its magic in stretching experiences, giving life to the meager and the mediocre. It’s disappointing how each day, at least to me, is shrunk down to mere flakes that hold little to no taste, because of my own doing, how I let only blocks of words, or perhaps a picture or two, depict a day. It’s even a greater shame when milestones and significant events seemed to taste now as low as the others. I’m problematizing this because my memory is poor. Many would look at a word, a phrase, or a picture, and see a flash of memories along with it. To me, it also does the same effect. I see flashes. Feel it as it flashes. But, I wanted to see the little things as well, the things that brought light and beauty or even darkness to a day. I’m not doing this. I’m not taking pictures of the little things. I’m not writing down all the little things. If the little things are valuable to me, should I start attempting to immortalize those from now on, and sleep in peace, knowing that any important bits and details of memory won’t slip away from me? Or should I let it be, because this is just the way things should be? The ones that made us feel the extremes would stay longer. The ones we built that added colors and shade to the extremes sometimes slip away from us forever. 

 

MCMXCIX

Too early to call this a heart break but I,
I’ve been dying to call this quits once again
out of fear that my heart will be in pain again,
this early.
This early.
Why do you have to show me this early?
That you’re tired of our long conversations,
that seemed so meager, now that this is ending.
Have you found someone new?
Someone better? Prettier?
Someone who’s so much like you?
Someone who’s in the same cards as you?
Forgive me for being too much into you,
so easily.
So easily that you must’ve seen right through it
and realized that all the attention is too much,
and suffocating.
All I’ve ever wanted these days was to be right for you, only you.
But, there’s so much pretty fishes in the pool so how can you choose only me?
Good bye, pretty baby
It so seems that
you don’t care about me,
as much as I do about you.
This one sure hurts as the others
But sure, I was happy, knowing you.
That’s why, I thank you, pretty baby.

On forgetting

It’s 2:05 am and I can’t sleep. Really, what’s new? I haven’t been visiting nor updating this blog for a while now, which is terrible on my part because I promised myself that I will be updating more frequently. It’s just that, I’ve been up to a lot of things lately. How I wish that I’ve wrote down something out of every, I guess, ‘groundbreaking’ experiences that I’ve encountered these past few months. Well, at least to me, they are groundbreaking. I can’t exactly say that I felt empowered for the most part, but I can say that I did learn a lot. If this doesn’t make sense to you, I can’t say if I made this intentionally this way so that I wouldn’t have to explain, or it’s just the way I want this to be. Anyway, why am I here? I need to vomit some words. 

I’ve been having troubles with communicating lately. With family. Friends. Myself. It’s like I’ve lost my way with words. I can’t find the right words to say, and so I let the silence fill everything important that I’m forgetting to say. I don’t know. Everything lately is all over the place. Even writing this piece feels like a complete burden. :(( I’m very pissed off because I can’t do anything productive or anything beautiful with this buzzing feeling. It’s like I’m forgetting to make beauty. It’s like I’m forgetting to make sense of everyday. It’s like I’m forgetting how to be really alive. I need, hmm, love, maybe? But I’ve been having lots of those everyday but still I feel this way.

I don’t know. I’m hoping to get better, soon. If you are with me, can we do it together? Can we pull ourselves up, gradually, together?

Hug the Sadness Out of You: A Playlist

So, I lately, I’ve been very down, but to be exact, I’m just very, very sad. Brief, silent tears has been very frequent compared to the other months. I’d like to think that this sadness just happened out of nowhere and that there’s no reason, in particular, to be sad, but there is. There are.  There’s such a great fault in overthinking everything way too much. I’m pretty sure this sadness came out of this. You know, I don’t really want to include these thoughts here. I’d like to project myself as unfazed, unbothered, b*tch don’t care, but there’s no point in lying, right? I feel like I don’t know myself and what I want. This is the main root of what I’m feeling right now. Underneath this big thought are branches of subreasons, and subfeelings, that I don’t really want to elaborate right now because I’m not ready for the intensity, and also because those are just too shitty, so forgive me for including this emo intro before jumping into what you really came for. I just felt that I have to write this down here, and expose myself in this level, because a reader or two might feel the same way as I do now and find comfort in the thought that they are not alone.

Anyway, here are 5 songs that lift my spirit every time I feel like my self-esteem is on the edge of the cliff or whenever I am just plain sad. I hope that you’d find comfort in these songs, as much as I do, every time I listen to these.

  1. Dreamer – Axwell Λ Ingrosso

 

2. More Than You Know – Axwell Λ Ingrosso

 

3. There For You – Martin Garrix and Troye Sivan

 

4. When We Were Young – Lost Kings

 

5. Sun is Shining – Axwell Λ Ingrosso

À bientôt , Cancer Season: A Playlist

The season of the star sign responsible for all the unnecessary roller coaster of feels that you might have been feeling right now, Cancer, has ended, 2 days ago. Although the Cancer season has officially ended, I still want to make sure that I pay homage to one of my favorite seasons, as an emotional water sign, myself, by sharing ten songs that make me remember how to truly feel. I understand that some of you, readers , might not be able to comprehend most the lyrics provided, so I included a short description of what the songs are about. Although  most of the songs are not in a language that you speak or understand, I still hope that you would still take time to listen to these songs because, after all, music is universal. There are songs that would just inevitably make you feel, despite the language, genre, and whatnots. Without further ado, here is À bientôt , Cancer Season: A Playlist:

  • here’s a link of a YouTube playlist I made, if you want to listen while reading: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu1W6rPS4-sP5PPJoWN0B4IucgYnZxHhf
  1. Sana – I Belong to the Zoo

“Binibilang ang hakbang
Hanggang wala ka na
Nagbabakasaling lilingon ka pa
Hindi na ba mababalik
Ang mga sandali
Mga panahong may lalim
Pa ang ‘yong ngiti’

“Sana sinabi mo
Para ‘di na umasang may tayo pa sa huli
Sana sinabi mo
Hahayaan namang kitang umalis”

We all have that one special person in our lives who makes us so happy for a period, engaging in constant late night conversations and sweet interactions. They make you believe that both of you actually have a chance. But, it turns out that that person is not truly ready, still, with his/her heart still tied with a flame in the past. S/he is only there with you for reasons, and one of those significant reasons is that s/he needs to cope. S/he needs to feel less alone. S/he needs to forget. And somehow, you fill in that empty space in their hearts, but, that’s it. This song is an honest and painful confrontation of a person who’s been left behind by this person. To anyone who has experienced this, please know that you do not deserve to be loved with half of a heart of someone you are willing to give your all with.

2. Sa Hindi Pagalala – Munimuni

“Buburahin na sa isip
Ang hugis ng iyong mga mata sa ‘yong pagtawa
Kung pano ka ba manamit
Pati kung pano ka ba umidlip
Ito na”

“Kakalimutan na kita
Siguraduhin mong hindi talaga pwedeng tayo
Napagisipan mo na ba
Dahil kakalimutan na kita
Ito na”

Have you ever been in love with someone so much, that you don’t ever want to forget everything about this person — every breath, yawn, his/her tone of voice in different instances. his/her wrinkles when s/he smiles. Everything. But a turning point happens, and you suddenly want to forget everything that made you fall in love. Perhaps, you fell out of love, or perhaps the other person did. Or perhaps, someone, or both of you decided that a time for oneself is needed. Perhaps you are in pain, or you are in  place that you do not want the other person to see. Perhaps the love is all one-sided. The song pleads for an assurance from his/her significant other, if s/he is already certain that the both of them cannot be together (anymore).

Munimuni’s lyricism, to me, is true poetry. Fuse this with meticulous utilization of instruments (synthesizers, etc), and you get gems. Take a listen, as well, to Tahanan, Sa’yo, Marilag, and Bukang-Liwayway.

3. Waltz of Four Left Feet – Shirebound and Busking

“Sapat na sakin ang ganito
Ang pagmasdan ka sa malayo
Kapag kinausap
Walang masagot
Hininga’y lagot

Hindi ko naman yata ikamamatay
Kung hindi ko mahawakan ang iyong kamay”

Have you ever felt so infatuated and attracted to someone, that when opportunity comes to talk with them, no words seem to come out from your mouth? You realize that all you can do for now is look. This is what this song is about.

I was first introduced to Shirebound and Busking, through this song, and I’m glad that curiosity got a hold on me (I was piqued by the creative title and the band name). This band’s music is my ultimate jam. I love how minimalistic their sound is, and yet, somehow, despite of this, their music turns out very epic for me. Their music just proves that there is beauty in simplicity. Listening to Shirebound has the same effect to me as listening to Bon Iver. Check out Dalum at Hibas, Bulan, Sinag and A Million Little Things.

4. Midnight Sky – Unique Salonga

“Wishing that I’ll be
The man that you’ll touch and see
I’ll give my love that can’t explain
We will be running in the rain
And I will hold your hand
Hold my hand”

This song is all about promises — promises made when you’re happy and in love. It also tells of longing, to be with someone you are strongly attracted to, someone who makes your heart fill with joy just by seeing his/her lovely smile (your midnight sky).

Although I’m still sad about Unique parting ways with IV of Spades, I wouldn’t say that I’m sad about this recent release, because this song is very nice listen, as expected of someone from IV of Spades. Maybe it was not as epic as Mundo or Hey, Barbara!, but what makes this song so beautiful is it’s honesty and sweetness. This song will make you want to fall in love — a great listen during rainy nights.

5. Kahit Ayaw Mo Na – This Band

“Ang hirap ‘pag ‘di mo alam ang iyong pupuntahan
Kung ako ba ay pagbibigyan
O nalilito lang kung saan”

“Lapit nang lapit ako’y lalapit
Layo nang layo ba’t ka lumalayo?”

Do you know the feeling of suddenly just realizing that the person you are with, is already falling out of love? What would you do? Of course, you chase after them. You do everything just so that the other person would stay. The hardest thing about the chase is that constant unease you feel, and every time, you ask yourself, “Where did I go wrong?”, or “Does s/he still love me?”, or “If s/he already did fall out of love, can I take this love back? Is it still possible to get back together again?”

This Band, is a fairly new band, and it looks like they are very into their crafts, releasing singles after singles, every month. Finding about this band (no pun intended), is one of my favorite serendipities. I was shuffling through my playlist, when Spotify suddenly played this (You know how Spotify randomly introduces you to new music, right? You have a fixed set of songs, and suddenly there will be songs here and there that pops, and you don’t remember putting those song at all. Yes, it is unsolicited, but I love you, Spotify, for this feature). I immediately fell in love with the lead vocals. That, and I was introduced to this song at that time when I need hugot in my life, because I felt so low and broken. I can’t say that this song lifted my spirit, however it did help me to feel again, and that is always a good thing, as opposed to feeling nothing at all.

This Band and Moonstar88 are officially my favorite OPM headbang bands.

6. Sa Ngalan ng Pag-ibig – December Avenue

“Hanggang kailan pa ba magtitiis, nalunod na sa kaiisip
Huling kapiling ka’y sa aking panaginip
Ikaw mula noon, ikaw hanggang ngayon”

I’m sure you have experienced feeling that you cannot/ do not want to move on, perhaps from a past love (Scratch the “past”. It is still ongoing, right? Of course, and it’s because you’re still in love with this person), failed exams, a wrong move you/ someone did, a wrong word that you/someone said, and whatnots. This song is all about that, with a center on a past love, or perhaps, a love that never happened, something that is built inside your head. If you watch the music video for this song, you can have 2 or more interpretations for this song. Watch it for yourself, and see how you can interpret the video.

If you still haven’t noticed, I’m kind of into cheesy and lovelorn songs, and this song is one of those songs that satisfy my craving for the cheesy. December Avenue, in particular, gives out a lot of lovelorn songs, and I love them so much for it, because I find that I can connect so much in many levels. Eroplanong Papel was what introduced me to them, and ever since, I have been following their music. I feel like they are underrated sometimes. Great band!

Back to the song, since it’s all about resistance to moving on, I just want to add that I find it problematic that some people or articles suggest us, “Mag-move on ka na!” / “Move on, already!” when we have experienced something traumatic and just blatantly bad that we can’t blame no one on, but ourselves. When you are in a relationship, and it ends up badly, we hear people blaming their ex-partners, but more often than not, I hear more stories of those people blaming themselves, or people initially blaming their ex-partners, but yields to blaming themselves also afterwards. When you fail an exam, although there are so many external factors to think about, often, your first response is to blame yourself (e.g. for not managing your time well, not reviewing, not concentrating enough, etc.). My point here is that, when people take too much time, moving on, and letting go, of their shortcomings/ traumatic experiences/ ex-loves, etc., many people would plead them to move on, and let go, quick. I understand that this is what many people do to show that they care. Who wouldn’t want the person they care about to be OK, very soon? Of course they only want you to be happy. However, not all people can move on very quickly, because the rate at which people move on is relative to the gravity of their experience, their perception of the experience, and their emotional or mental strengths. There’s a lot more factors at play here, but I want people to realize that it’s not easy for many people to move on, quickly, and if you really care, you’ll understand that moving on takes time for many people, so please, be patient. We’re at different paces, so believe them when they say that they want to get better as soon as possible. Just wait.

7. ‘Di Na Muli – Itchyworms

“Ang oras kapag hinayaang lumipas
Madarama mo hanggang bukas
Di mababawi muli”

This is about a lost love, that may never, ever be resurrected. If you watch the original music video for the song, and read the real meaning behind the song, I suppose that you’ll break your heart, even more. I did. Here’s the link for the music video: https://youtube.com/watch?v=rgHHJkzn5TU

8. Silakbo – MilesExperience

“Nakatago tayo sa dilim
Nanatili tayong isang lihim
At sa pagtila ng ambon
Sabayan natin ang panahon”

When I first heard of this song, and analyzed the lyrics, I immediately thought of a forbidden love. Think of Secret Love Song by The Little Mix. Perhaps it is about a couple of the same sex who cannot be together because of the kind of society they’re in. Perhaps it is about a romantic love between two relatives. Perhaps the other person in the relationship is already legally binded by someone. Perhaps it is that of a rebellious puppy love. Perhaps it’s Romeo and Juliet. No matter what instance it is, the song wants to prove this: Love defies all odds.

9. Makalimutin – Kamara

“Naiisip mo bang iniisip kita ngayon?
Naiisip mo bang nakikinig ako sayo?
At alam ko ang iyong kailangan
Ano ang gamit ng pag-aalala
Pag-aalala”

This song implies that it is written for an ex-love. The singer tells the ex-love to not forget about him/her and their past love. S/he does not exactly tells him/her that s/he wants them to get back together, but s/he nonetheless tell the ex-love that s/he’s still thinking . about him/her. Make your heart warm by listening to this song at midnight.

10. Buwan – juan karlos

“Sa ilalim ng puting ilaw
Sa dilaw na buwan
Pakinggan mo ang aking sigaw
Sa dilaw na buwan”

Such wow of a love song. If you would ask me one random song recommendation right now, I would give you this. I’m so happy that this song randomly played on Spotify. This song is all about finding someone so beautiful that you want to take him/her under the moon and stars, with you. Listen ‘till the end. If you have a Making Love Playlist, count this is in.

When  I found that juan karlos wrote it himself, I was so impressed. I love his sexy, dark, baritone voice very much. I knew him when he’s younger, and I can say that his voice matured to a lovely level. I want to promote his song, because I feel like he and this song is so underrated. Here’s the link to Buwan:

https://open.spotify.com/track/5f9808hpiCpuNyqqdXmpF2?si=-EJB2YmLRUeOkHHggkSmNA

Bonus!

So, yesterday, December Avenue just released another heartbreaking single called, Kung ‘Di Rin Lang Ikaw, collaborating with Moira. And what do we expect when these two ally together in one song? Wreck hearts, of course.

Here’s the full lyrics of the new single:

“Kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang dahilan
Pipilitan ba ang puso kong hindi na masaktan?
Kung hindi ikaw ay hindi nalang
Pipilitin pang umasa para sa’ting dalawa

Giniginaw at hindi makagalaw,
Nahihirapan ang pusong pinipilit ay ikaw

Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?

Kung hindi rin lang ikaw ang dahilan
Pipiliin bang umiwas ng hindi na masaktan
Kung hindi ikaw ay sino pa ba
Ang luluha sa umaga para sa’ting dalawa

Bumibitaw dahil di makagalaw
Pinipigilan ba ang puso mong ibang sinisigaw?

Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?

Naliligaw at malayo ang tanaw
Pinipigilan na ang pusong pinipilit na ikaw

Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ang sarili na makita kang muli
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka
(Haaaa)
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka
Kung di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka”

S/he’s your the one that got away. You’re still in love, and so you do not ever want to let go. And what would you do? You reject all the potential lovers, because in your heart, nothing can ever beat this one person. If you feel this way, that’s okay. Embrace the pain. Embrace all the love that you’re feeling. Just make sure to not inflict too much pain in your heart by doing so. Take care of yourself.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–
This ends the playlist! Of course it’s okay to listen to these songs on different seasons/ occasions. There are particular songs for particular feelings, and I think it’s best to listen to this song when you are feeling this particular feeling. I can’t say that some of these songs would make you feel better (because these will wreck your heart even more, more likely). Some would certainly make you feel happy, alive, and in love, and that’s nice. It all depends on you, really. Even if you just feel listening, listen. I hope you’ll enjoy these songs as much as I do.

Just a disclaimer, also. I’m not someone who has a lot of experiences in romantic relationships, and  whatever I wrote mostly came from stories of people close to me. I also have a fair share of the things I wrote, coming from my own experiences, but we are everything we are exposed with, right? And so. I’m writing as myself and everything I am exposed with. We all have distinct experiences in life, and some of what I wrote may not apply to you, so please understand that these are coming from my perspective only. This applies to everything I write in this blog, really.

And one last note! I’m happy to tell you that this blog will officially rise from the ashes again, after being dead for quite a long time. I noticed that I’ve lost a lot of followers after I changed my url from ligawnakerubin.wordpress.com. I guess it’s a bug, but anyway. I’ll try not to gain followers, but actual readers.

I’m already thinking of a lot of projects for this blog, and one of them is A Playlist Series. I’m doing this as a big audiophile, and as a listener of so many artists of different genres. The other projects would focus on some of my other interests such as poetry, photography, and calligraphy. I would also be writing game, movie, anime, manga reviews here and there, if I have strong feelings about them.

This ends this blog post! ‘Til the next!

 

after sunsets

Let me remember how,
I find sunsets both dazzling,
and calming, at the same time
and I’ll tell you how
I pretend that sunsets do not exist now – – –
not through my senses,
not in my memory.
I wonder how
such beauty caresses a sting
on my furtive soul;
how can it bruise me too badly,
that I can still feel
the pain that it brought,
until now?
Can this pain, better be a scar,
at last?
I’m weary,
of embracing,
all the soreness, and
all the throbbing.
Wouldn’t you believe,
that such belle
would draw such wounds?
We often fall prey
to the hands of the graceful
and the comely.
Who wouldn’t?
Who would know that underneath it all,
we’re all inside the same unkempt
and broken home,
constantly looking for something,
and someone to love,
searching for healing,
needing attention,
and redemption.
But with all these wanting,
comes hurting.

All things beautiful, it seems,
may wrench us everytime – – –
even sunsets,
to which I fell in love with,
after deciding to gaze at one for too long;
in fact, I gazed at one far too long
that it end up hurting me.
I always keep it in me,
how it made my heart busy
beating like a drum, again, and again;
how, I searched for every shaft of light there is in it,
for I thought it was prettier,
and brighter, that way;
how I chased after it,
even after absolute darkness
sweeps it away.
I believe I will always be,
looking for that light
even after I decided not to see one again.

Dear You, 

You and I may pretend that nothing ever happened between us, but please still know that I miss you so much. I miss everything, and I’m not sure until when am I going to miss you. I understand that you had reasons. It dawned on me too, not soon after, that I couldn’t hate you for too long, even after all the things that I came across about the things that you did, because I loved you, and I think I still love you, until now. I do not understand what happened, at all. I wanted to forget you, but somehow I cannot, hence, this entry. I’m in the hopes that it will help me move on from all the memory that you left me. I really can’t understand why I still think about you all the time, despite not seeing you anywhere anymore. It’s confusing to think about you, because it makes me happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. But, most of the time, at least, thinking about you makes me happy, and maybe that’s why, somehow, I can’t stop.