On forgetting

It’s 2:05 am and I can’t sleep. Really, what’s new? I haven’t been visiting nor updating this blog for a while now, which is terrible on my part because I promised myself that I will be updating more frequently. It’s just that, I’ve been up to a lot of things lately. How I wish that I’ve wrote down something out of every, I guess, ‘groundbreaking’ experiences that I’ve encountered these past few months. Well, at least to me, they are groundbreaking. I can’t exactly say that I felt empowered for the most part, but I can say that I did learn a lot. If this doesn’t make sense to you, I can’t say if I made this intentionally this way so that I wouldn’t have to explain, or it’s just the way I want this to be. Anyway, why am I here? I need to vomit some words. 

I’ve been having troubles with communicating lately. With family. Friends. Myself. It’s like I’ve lost my way with words. I can’t find the right words to say, and so I let the silence fill everything important that I’m forgetting to say. I don’t know. Everything lately is all over the place. Even writing this piece feels like a complete burden. :(( I’m very pissed off because I can’t do anything productive or anything beautiful with this buzzing feeling. It’s like I’m forgetting to make beauty. It’s like I’m forgetting to make sense of everyday. It’s like I’m forgetting how to be really alive. I need, hmm, love, maybe? But I’ve been having lots of those everyday but still I feel this way.

I don’t know. I’m hoping to get better, soon. If you are with me, can we do it together? Can we pull ourselves up, gradually, together?

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after sunsets

Let me remember how,
I find sunsets both dazzling,
and calming, at the same time
and I’ll tell you how
I pretend that sunsets do not exist now – – –
not through my senses,
not in my memory.
I wonder how
such beauty caresses a sting
on my furtive soul;
how can it bruise me too badly,
that I can still feel
the pain that it brought,
until now?
Can this pain, better be a scar,
at last?
I’m weary,
of embracing,
all the soreness, and
all the throbbing.
Wouldn’t you believe,
that such belle
would draw such wounds?
We often fall prey
to the hands of the graceful
and the comely.
Who wouldn’t?
Who would know that underneath it all,
we’re all inside the same unkempt
and broken home,
constantly looking for something,
and someone to love,
searching for healing,
needing attention,
and redemption.
But with all these wanting,
comes hurting.

All things beautiful, it seems,
may wrench us everytime – – –
even sunsets,
to which I fell in love with,
after deciding to gaze at one for too long;
in fact, I gazed at one far too long
that it end up hurting me.
I always keep it in me,
how it made my heart busy
beating like a drum, again, and again;
how, I searched for every shaft of light there is in it,
for I thought it was prettier,
and brighter, that way;
how I chased after it,
even after absolute darkness
sweeps it away.
I believe I will always be,
looking for that light
even after I decided not to see one again.

Dear You, 

You and I may pretend that nothing ever happened between us, but please still know that I miss you so much. I miss everything, and I’m not sure until when am I going to miss you. I understand that you had reasons. It dawned on me too, not soon after, that I couldn’t hate you for too long, even after all the things that I came across about the things that you did, because I loved you, and I think I still love you, until now. I do not understand what happened, at all. I wanted to forget you, but somehow I cannot, hence, this entry. I’m in the hopes that it will help me move on from all the memory that you left me. I really can’t understand why I still think about you all the time, despite not seeing you anywhere anymore. It’s confusing to think about you, because it makes me happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. But, most of the time, at least, thinking about you makes me happy, and maybe that’s why, somehow, I can’t stop. 

OK again and missing something

I figured out that I’m very good at cramming responsibly these past few days. I’m becoming more self-aware now of my limits, and I’m very thankful because this is always a good thing. So, why am I here? As usual, I don’t have an agenda for putting up many blog entries. Notice that most of my entries just turn out very messy and unstructured. But, anyway, I think I like it better this way, because it is reflective of my personality – – – how random, and haha, completely crazy I am. But, believe me, it is just my thoughts that are scattered. The things I own are decently organized. I keep records, I have a journal (although it takes so long for me to update it) , I put labels for a lot of my things, and also, most importantly, I rarely ever lose things. I lose things usually when my brain is at it peak of being squeezed too much. And I hate seeing mess, that’s why my destressing technique is to organize the things around me, and clean my space. It makes me happy when things around me are organized. It gives me the perception that my life is in order, still, and there’s still hope in everything although I feel such a mess, in reality. I want to pick myself together, piece by piece, and I want it ASAP haha. Because, it’s already hellweek. And I’m still stuck, and unmotivated, for some reason. My brain is just full of very, very trivial things, and it just don’t want to stop thinking about those. It seems like everyday, I just keep on adding new unnecessary information in my brain that I find myself being fixated to. I find it weird that I’m dealing with this issue at this important part of the semester.

Anywayyyy, my purpose. Are you noticing a pattern? I only post here when I’m sad or angry or excited or lonely. I can’t understand why I can’t write when I’m happy. Some people can, and I envy that so much. Forgive me for not blogging often. I take it as somewhat of a good sign, because that would mean that I’m happy, most days, right? I admit that I’m happy, in most days. I’m a very optimistic person, I can’ t help it, but the other reason why I’m not writing anymore is because I’m so caught up with university, volunteer work, organization work, and relationships. I’m so caught up with these things because they also make me happy. They put a lot of sense into my life. I hope that I can share why these things make me happy someday. No, I have to make it happen, and I have to be specific to do that. According to the motivation theory, the likelihood of doing a certain thing is higher when you make your goals more specific. So, I’m going to set up specific goals for myself to finally publish a myriad of happy entries.

I’m obviously not happy today, though. But, I’m not sad either. I just want to put here that I miss having slow, meaningful conversations. These days are just too fast for me. So many things keep happening in a snap. So many small talks. I just want to really talk with people, so much. I miss the intimacy of quiet, unrushed moments when the only sounds that we hear are coming from all the stories that we share. I miss all the tears, from happiness, or from despair, or frustration, or anger. I miss talking. I miss crying so much. I can’t cry these days because I have to be strong, since it’s hell week and there’s no time to be emotional.

If I cry, I lose, because that’s what always happen. I’ll keep fighting and I am keeping a promise to myself that I would not ever cry, again no matter what happens. Not when the semester has not yet ended. I’m going to keep a hold of myself. Or perhaps I miss the warmth of inom haha. I always tell myself that I won’t ever drink again but I keep doing it anyway, because things just keep happening.

By the way, I’m OK now. My last entry has been so bitter, but now, I’m OK, truly. Bitter feelings, to me, are supposed to be fleeting only. I should not allow it to change my character. I’ve learned, and that’s what matters to me. But learning doesn’t guarantee that we will not make the same mistakes again, right? I wrote this on our organization’s logbook. See, I’m all over the place. I’m a person who has a lot of inner banter inside, so I feel like writing, I write. Anywhere. Anytime. If I hold it back, I’ll explode. I’m saying that there’s always that possibiliy that I’ll make the same mistakes again, because, I know myself. I’m not very careful. I always see the beauty and everything, no matter how shitty people and things get. I always believe that people/things can’t really get this bad. But, I am always wrong. Also, however, I keep believing anyway maybe because this idealistic, starry-eyed creature in me still have faith in love and humanity. This consequently makes me very vulnerable to deception. You know, I feel like the universe is punishing me for being very naive, but I am too rebellious to actually learn. I am still very confused.

In Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development Theory, I’m still in the struggle of identity vs. role confusion (wow, I can’t believe that I’m actually dragging this into my drama), partly because I’m 19 yrs. old, but mainly because I just feel that I still don’t know what else I really want in life. I want to be a teacher, that’s for sure, but what else? What plans should I make? What paths should I am to take? How many are there? You see, I’d like to have a life that makes sense that’s why I can’t let a day pass without making or doing something important to myself and to the people around me. However, I feel like I’m doing myself a great disservice by not putting my all into everything I do. I feel like I’m easily exhausted when I have given so much into one thing that another thing gets left out. I don’t want that. Am I overthinking way too much on things haha? I think I am. You can disagree on a lot of points here. I’m undecided about most things.

So, long entry short, I am missing intimacy in real conversations. I understand that I can’t get this now given that my head is full and buzzing with requirements and I’m just longing for a long, carefree sleep (btw, I think I have insomnia). I’m slowly fulfilling this need through random chats and texts to the people I care about, and somehow, they make me feel better. Another important point that I want to reiterate: I’ m OK. slightsmile emoticon I don’t hate myself. I am back to my happy, excited and hopeful me. What happened is just an important phase that we all have to get through. If you’ve read up to here, I want to let you know that you are loved, by many people, however, ultimately, self-love is important so learn to appreciate yourself better each day by not beating yourself too much, or by planting insecurities in your heart by comparing yourself to other people. I’m saying this because I realized that many people who are close to me are struggling with the same battles. We are always struggling with ourselves, right? Know that it’s OK and things would turn out better, always.

Good night

Three years later, but
I am here, still
Writing about you again
It’s a pity that I
Can’t drop you off my head
Questions burn inside my heart everytime,
every night
“Did I really love you?”
“Did I fall in love with you?”
Or is it all just in my head?
Am I just as stupid as I was before
For thinking about you
For writing poems about you
For believing that if you’d read this,
Someday, somehow
You’d know exactly that it’s always been you
It’s always been about you
But of course I know
I know that it’ll happen only in good nights,
In my dreams, when I think of happy thoughts
And suddenly, somehow, you’re there.

Why really is this difficult to forget?
You’ve only been in my life for a fleeting 4 months
You’re not here, but you’re here inside me, always
And God knows how I wanted to write you off completely
I thought a poem pledging to forget you, would stir a gear
But it never did.

Naive, I still maybe am
Or maybe it’s just the night
Because this is when I think of you the most
Or maybe it’s because I yearned for lot of people
And perhaps you’re one of them.

I miss you, I thank you, and I love you
Please, don’t visit my nights again.

Today

Both a curse and a blessing, it is
To let the weight of everything fall down on my shoulders
To blame myself for every faults that are not even mine
To care, and notice too much
To give my love to people too deep

매일, it is a struggle to choose between seeing everything and be in pain
Or ignore most details, and go off in bliss
In this perpetual quest for happiness, is it wrong to choose to be oblivious?
Choose to not be hurt, and bitter, and be peaceful?

It is

지금, I’m learning that happiness gets far away from you by choosing not to notice
It may be often painful, but that’s just the way it is
It just gets closer and closer, when you decide that  you have to get in zone with the present moment.

오늘 너무 행복해.
매일 진짜 행복해.

I hope you are, too.

 

How Love is Shared

Last December 9, I attended an event of Grain Foundation for PWD Inc., in coordination with Korea International Cooperation Agency, called, “Kaya: Kung Kaya Mo, Kaya Ko.” It is a fund raising event through the shared performances (persons with disability) PWDs and Youth Group. It was held at the activity area in Robinsons Novaliches, near SM Fairview. The activity began at about 1 pm, and there were many PWD students, parents, teachers and spectators who were there. Just before the event started, the people gathered around the booths near the event area to register, and to purchase goods created by the SpEd students of Grain Foundation that includes mini notebooks, purses, bags, bracelets, necklaces, etc. I bought a mini notebook, and a green bracelet with a mustache bead. The notebooks’ designs were actually painted by their students, and the one that I purchased was painted by a student named Christopher Lopez, who sang a Christmas song later in the event. The bracelet looked really nice, and attached to the bracelet was a message that says, “Thank you for your donation! This bracelet is 100% made by our students with Cerebral Palsy, Fanconi Syndrome, Intellectual Disability and Autism… Love, Joy Disability School – GPM.” There was also a beautiful caption at the end that says. “Disability is not to be overcome, but a lifestyle made complete through sharing.” I think this message was really showcased the main purpose of the event, which is to let people know no matter how different we are, no matter how much we lack, as individuals, we still have so many things to share to other people such as our love and passion to our talents and hobbies.

IMG_20180104_193901

While the stage was being prepared, I noticed that many people are lining up at a booth near the event. They are actually lining up for free Korean coffee called Yang Tang Guk, which are also served by two Koreans. I asked one of the handlers, Ms. Stephanie R. Relova about this, and she told me that Grain Foundation is also sponsored by them (KOICA), along with Mirai Welfare Foundation. She also told me that they are also in partnership with TESDA, NCDA, DSWD, House of Representative Winston “Winnie” Castelo, and the UP Special Education Council, among others. I’ve read that Grain Foundation for PWD Inc. aims to help the PWD community particularly the individuals with Developmental Disability and Deaf to PWD by giving them the opportunity to study and work without discrimination. They offer free vocational training project to prepare them to acquire skills necessary to lead independent lives in the future. I’ve also learned that this is actually free and the organization provides for the transportation, meal, uniform, and ID. Some of the programs and services of their foundation includes the Joy Disability School, Vocational Training, Livelihood Program, and Taekwondo and Korean Language.

    The atmosphere inside the venue was vibrant and brimming with positivity, even before the event started. On some sides, there were teachers or sign language interpretators gesturing to some of their students. There were times when there were students who were anxious, and kept covering their ears with their hands because of the noise and too much sensory stimulation, however, their guardians, and sometimes, the volunteers would accommodate them kindly, and would help them to calm down. It is also refreshing to see that almost all of the people around me were very encouraging to one another. The students cheer with their other classmates, happily supporting, and clapping for them when they see them on stage. Even the teachers, volunteers,  and their parents were very supporting, widely grinning and smiling behind the camera. They performed by group, sometimes by themselves, or with the participating Youth Group and sometimes, individually. Their performances were really engaging and excellent and one could really tell how much time they allotted for practicing for their performances and pieces, because almost all of them were very well polished. Their theme is around Christmas so they sang mostly Christmas songs, and danced to Christmas music.

Before every performances, videos of the testimonies of the students and parents were shown on the large screen on the right corner of the stage. The videos moved a lot of people, in a positive manner. The students were cheering for their peers whenever it would be their turns to share their stories. Some parents were emotional after watching, and actually started getting teary-eyed. Although the people have very different backgrounds, and they all have very different circumstances and stories to tell, they all share the same experiences of really struggling with themselves, just before they entered the organization. They shared their troubles about their self-esteem, how being not well-off actually hinders them more to try more things, and how they struggle in accepting and loving themselves because of the stigma that the society places on them. Although they admit that they do still have these struggles, they share that the foundation help them alleviate these struggles, by helping them discover their talents and potentials, and by helping them know and realize that they have many talents and gifts to share to the people around them and to the world.

Although I came there all alone, I left the event with a happy, full, and hopeful heart. The people there were inspiring in many ways. They inspire me to work harder with what I have, and to share it what other people. They also made me remember that it is important to be patient and to listen, and take time to help other people. The foundation’s motto is, “We share love,” and I can truthfully say that I’ve seen lots of love at that day, and I also thankfully say that I also received mine.