after sunsets

Let me remember how,
I find sunsets both dazzling,
and calming, at the same time
and I’ll tell you how
I pretend that sunsets do not exist now – – –
not through my senses,
not in my memory.
I wonder how
such beauty caresses a sting
on my furtive soul;
how can it bruise me too badly,
that I can still feel
the pain that it brought,
until now?
Can this pain, better be a scar,
at last?
I’m weary,
of embracing,
all the soreness, and
all the throbbing.
Wouldn’t you believe,
that such belle
would draw such wounds?
We often fall prey
to the hands of the graceful
and the comely.
Who wouldn’t?
Who would know that underneath it all,
we’re all inside the same unkempt
and broken home,
constantly looking for something,
and someone to love,
searching for healing,
needing attention,
and redemption.
But with all these wanting,
comes hurting.

All things beautiful, it seems,
may wrench us everytime – – –
even sunsets,
to which I fell in love with,
after deciding to gaze at one for too long;
in fact, I gazed at one far too long
that it end up hurting me.
I always keep it in me,
how it made my heart busy
beating like a drum, again, and again;
how, I searched for every shaft of light there is in it,
for I thought it was prettier,
and brighter, that way;
how I chased after it,
even after absolute darkness
sweeps it away.
I believe I will always be,
looking for that light
even after I decided not to see one again.

Dear You, 

You and I may pretend that nothing ever happened between us, but please still know that I miss you so much. I miss everything, and I’m not sure until when am I going to miss you. I understand that you had reasons. It dawned on me too, not soon after, that I couldn’t hate you for too long, even after all the things that I came across about the things that you did, because I loved you, and I think I still love you, until now. I do not understand what happened, at all. I wanted to forget you, but somehow I cannot, hence, this entry. I’m in the hopes that it will help me move on from all the memory that you left me. I really can’t understand why I still think about you all the time, despite not seeing you anywhere anymore. It’s confusing to think about you, because it makes me happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. But, most of the time, at least, thinking about you makes me happy, and maybe that’s why, somehow, I can’t stop. 

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Leila

This poem is written after the death of a relative, who is beloved dearly by many, especially my cousin, who was deeply wounded upon her death. 

Hindi pa rin sanay ang puso mo tuwing umaga sa pag-alala na hinding-hindi mo na siya mahahawakan sa iyong tabi

Nasanay ka na, na sa iyong bawat paggising, ang malambing na tinig niya ang parati mong unang naririnig
Na mga haplos niya ang unang dumadampa sa iyong gunita na halos parating hilo at lito mula sa maghapong pag-inom
Na mga labi niya ang unang dumadapli sa iyong makasalanang templo, na hindi mo maigalaw sa magdamag na pagtakbo at pagsigaw
Siya, siya, siya ang parating nauuna.
Siya, at siya, simula pa noong una.

Hindi mo na alam kung ilang araw at gabi ka na bang nangungulila
Apat? Labinlima? Singkwenta?
Ang alam mo lang ay nag-aantay ka pa,
Na sa bawat pagkurap mo ay inaasahan mong nandyan sa siyang muli, na buhay at nakatitig muli sa iyo ang tila ngumingiti niyang mga mata
Na isang hakbang lang ay amoy mo na ang pamilyar na tiyak na parati mong akap-akap
Na isang tapik lang ay tiwala ka na siya iyon
Walang iba kung hindi siya.

Gabi-gabi mo nang inaantay ang pagbalik niya

Gabi-gabi ka na ring nalulunod sa pagtungga
Gabi-gabing umiiyak
Gabi-gabing nangungulila.

Hindi mo alam kung hanggang ito kailan
Hindi mo alam kung hanggang saan pa ang kaya mong mararating sa paghahanap sa kanya.

Ngunit alam mo naman, hindi ba?
Umiling ka, at bumarik muli ng isa pang baso.

Good night

Three years later, but
I am here, still
Writing about you again
It’s a pity that I
Can’t drop you off my head
Questions burn inside my heart everytime,
every night
“Did I really love you?”
“Did I fall in love with you?”
Or is it all just in my head?
Am I just as stupid as I was before
For thinking about you
For writing poems about you
For believing that if you’d read this,
Someday, somehow
You’d know exactly that it’s always been you
It’s always been about you
But of course I know
I know that it’ll happen only in good nights,
In my dreams, when I think of happy thoughts
And suddenly, somehow, you’re there.

Why really is this difficult to forget?
You’ve only been in my life for a fleeting 4 months
You’re not here, but you’re here inside me, always
And God knows how I wanted to write you off completely
I thought a poem pledging to forget you, would stir a gear
But it never did.

Naive, I still maybe am
Or maybe it’s just the night
Because this is when I think of you the most
Or maybe it’s because I yearned for lot of people
And perhaps you’re one of them.

I miss you, I thank you, and I love you
Please, don’t visit my nights again.

Today

Both a curse and a blessing, it is
To let the weight of everything fall down on my shoulders
To blame myself for every faults that are not even mine
To care, and notice too much
To give my love to people too deep

매일, it is a struggle to choose between seeing everything and be in pain
Or ignore most details, and go off in bliss
In this perpetual quest for happiness, is it wrong to choose to be oblivious?
Choose to not be hurt, and bitter, and be peaceful?

It is

지금, I’m learning that happiness gets far away from you by choosing not to notice
It may be often painful, but that’s just the way it is
It just gets closer and closer, when you decide that  you have to get in zone with the present moment.

오늘 너무 행복해.
매일 진짜 행복해.

I hope you are, too.

 

Avian

I remember myself saying that I’ll never forget your sweetness
How you make my sweaty palms cool down,
how you heal my dizzy, flighty soul,
how your embrace brings me warmth.

It was from a long time ago
To you, I kneel down
Believe me when I say that I always keep you in my hands
I always want to remember you
I do, I do.

I lay down under the stars,
One lovely night
Tracing my fingers – constellations to constellations
My eyes espied a painting.

It was a painting of you – – –
Comely and staggering
But I didn’t know you.

In a crooked melody, my chest ached
I bawled, trying to remember everything again
I have to know you
I do, I do.

 

Run

large

In the midst of this all, I run in place
I run to bark at the lazy whispers that holds me back from trying
I run to remember my errors, my faults, and all the evils that I’ve done
I run to talk again with her who’ve lost me…
Or did I lost her?
I run to chase her again, to forgive her for being imperfect
I run to breathe and take a last long time of introspection, to check what kind of person I’m becoming,
to understand if I am really growing, and still learning
or if my heart is still pure;
I’ll run and run in this place, until I’m ready to take off…
I hope that I’ll be alright soon.

Stay

You tiptoe further and further away from the sunshine of my palms,
eager to see the shadows of the moon again, not because you miss its quiet enigma
but because you thought that the sun is shining too brightly that it hurts
your fingertips
your chest
and the soles of your feet;
you became so used to it that you thought you can no longer feel how much it actually hurts.

I want to tie a rope around your hands and yolk it with mine,
but your flighty soul is wanting to run from the sunshine, envying instead the sadness of the shadows.

I hope that I speak stronger than the dark half of your soul, so that his screams would be meager whispers,
and our pleas would come to you clearer.