ma, pa, x,

live longer, will you
live for the sunrises and sunsets
and all those storms and heartbreaks
live, i wanted to show you more
we’ll get out of this city, this island
let’s go and look out for more things pretty,
more things beautiful, more things painful
live, let’s breathe the universe in
and embrace everything, hands still tight,
and grasping onto one another, grasping into light,
grasping into hope.

today

Both a curse and a blessing, it is
To let the weight of everything fall down on my shoulders
To blame myself for every faults that are not even mine
To care, and notice too much

매일, it is a struggle to choose between seeing everything and be in pain
Or ignore most details, and go off in bliss
In this perpetual quest for happiness, is it wrong to choose to be oblivious?
Choose to not be hurt, and bitter, and be peaceful?

지금, I’m learning that happiness gets far away from you by choosing not to notice
but that’s just the way it is
It just gets closer and closer, when you decide that  you have to get in with the present moment.

오늘 너무 행복해.
매일 진짜 행복해.

I hope you are, too.

Rien

You have been staring blankly at the clock for hours, and you have no idea why. You didn’t bother to figure it out. You just kept on waiting, waiting for something to happen, someone, to come to you, and do something that would make you feel alive again. You have been working all day, and it’s surprising to you that you don’t feel tired at all. You tried to remember what you did for the last two days, and where you went, but you can’t, and then, you cringed a bit, and clenched your fist. You slapped yourself again, and again. And then you screamed, so loud. You have to make yourself feel. You have to make yourself hear your own screams. But, nothing came out of it. Occasionally, you would think that there are movements behind you, maybe even sounds. Tiny footsteps, and careful, hushed, chatters. Sometimes you would think that you’ve heard a glass breaking. But, you’re not certain of it. You hoped that they were real. You hoped that, at least, you are still capable of feeling, even at lowest height of it. You’re frustrated, but you can’t make your body feel the frustration that you really wanted. So you pulled some white strands out of your hair, hoping that you would feel the sensation of a little itch. You didn’t. You pulled some more. And then you plucked perhaps, a handful of white strands, at a time. You plucked a myriad of times. And you are so sure that you’ve plucked so hard, with all the might that you hope you still have. But, still, nothing. Nothing. You screamed some more. Nothing. Nothing. You still can’t hear yourself, but you’re sure that you shouted. So you stopped. And then your eyes fixed themselves straight on the clock again. You waited.

k a d i l i m a n

kanina pa
tila may sumusunod
na mga mata
sa aking bawat yapak
na tila ba anino
kanina pa
nababalisa
sa gitna ng kadiliman
kanina pa
nagtatanong:
parang may ‘di yata tama?
hinithit ko
ang dala-dalang yosi
buga
inulit-ulit ko ang siklo
nag-aantay
na parang salamangkang
maglalaho bigla
ang mga agam-agam
napatigil ako
sa aking kinatatayuan
habang pinagmamasdan
ang pagtulo
ng aking sariling dugo
mula sa kutsilyong
itinulak ng kung sino
nakuha ko pang lumingon
sa tatlong mamang may suot
na itim na saplot
itinutok niya muna
sa aking kaliwang binti
ang baril na hawak
tumama ang aking ulo
sa bakal
kasabay ng kanyang pagputok
tumingala ako
sa kanila
sinunod nila
ang aking dalawang kamay
kanan na binti
limang putok sa dibdib
k a d i l i m a n